It is well documented that many adopted kids experience emotional or psychological problems as a result of the adoption process. Such issues may involve understanding and accepting new familial relationships, adjusting to placement in a new environment, or personal insecurities of rejection and trust, to name a few. Sometimes issues are less serious, and not as complicated to address and work through, while other, more substantial issues may require professional help. Typically, like other children, adolescence is the most prevalent time when adopted kids begin to experience emotional difficulties. The following are some of the most common problems adopted children face.
“You’re Not My Real Mom.” Unfortunately, as a mother, hearing such words from your adopted child can be difficult and heartbreaking. You may even begin to question your own competence and whether or not your child genuinely loves you. In most cases, a child doesn’t mean what he/she has said. Instead, it is commonly the result of an emotional outburst out due to anger unrelated to feelings about his/her love towards you. It may simply be that you didn’t buy an item he/she wanted, or you wouldn’t permit him/her to participate in what she believes everyone else is allowed to do. It may even be the case that he/she is upset because you are rightfully punishing him/her for a wrongdoing.
As an adoptive parent, there is no reason not to handle such outbursts exactly as any biological parent would. The first step is to evaluate the circumstances that may have instigated your child’s behavior. How did you play a role in the incident? Do you think you are being fair? Is the punishment appropriate for the wrongdoing? If you honestly believe you’ve done nothing wrong, maintain your ground. It is important to be aware that if you give in every time you are accused of not being the “real parent,” there is a great likelihood your child will use it to manipulate and control you, which can prove to be unhealthy and detrimental to the long-term relationship of you and your child.
Before anything else, in response to your child’s outburst, it is necessary to immediately address the “real parent” comment directly by letting your child know that you are hi/her real mom. Proceed to let your child know it’s important for him/her to listen to you and do what you’ve asked or said. Also, make sure to let your child know you love her and that it upsets you that he/she is angry, and that the two of you will discuss everything later when you are both more calm and willing. Later on when talking things through with your child, you may want to point out that parents with biological children don’t allow their kids do whatever they want either.
Discipline Disasters. In some cases, adoptive parents feel so fortunate they’ve finally adopted a child that when the child misbehaves, as all children do, they overlook such behavior because they are reluctant to discipline their child. However, any parent, whether adoptive or non-adoptive, risks long-term parenting issues if they allow their child to rule the household. There are also some adoptive parents who feel guilty when displaying a sense of entitlement as a full and complete parent to the child. For example, if they lose their temper and yell at the adopted child, they imagine the birthmother viewing them as a bad parent. The adoptive parent fails to realize if the child stayed with the birthmother, it is probable she would have punished the child for misbehavior as well.
Echo Response. In some scenarios, more commonly when a child is adopted at an older age, there may be a tendency to display an echo response. This type of attitude refers to hyper-vigilant behavior, and is generally founded in fears the child has cultivated from past experiences and negative associations. Gaining awareness, acceptance and understanding, as well as practices of desensitization are essential to healing and recovery.
If you are a prospective adoptive parent seeking more information about the adoption process, call McDowell Chartered legal services at 316-269-0746 to receive assistance today! We can provide you with the necessary help you need to carry out a successful adoption.